In recent times, I have seen how I have changed with the prolonged nightmare of my ex coming to some exposure. His behaviours being seen (although not altered) validated that I am not going crazy. It is unacceptable, and it is not OK that it has been going on for this long.
There have been some strange things that I have noticed change about me. Some sad stuff, too, as they brought up memories unexpectedly. I will address them here. I wonder if people reading this recognise in themselves, or others around them, signs of post-traumatic growth?
Before I give my examples, I want to talk a bit about what we mean by 'Post-Traumatic Growth', or PTG. PTG is a theory that people can see positive transformation following adversity, stress, or trauma. I would be loathe to say to anyone that 'you should see the positives in this' because, quite frankly, there might be none, and the situation might be very, very wrong.
That said, I would give some space for PTG in my own journey, which has come in strange shapes and sizes. I am happy to accept them in my overall space. This is not going to be a post about PTG, but I found these infographics on this website, which I thought explained the five domains of post-traumatic growth. You could map these like a spider diagram to see how they are doing in each domain.
Post-traumatic growth is not an immediate outcome of trauma, adversity, or stress, nor is it guaranteed. It is a continual process that can take years, depending on the context of what happened to you. It can involve painful reflection and accepting some things that cannot be changed, which can be a struggle. This leads to a new narrative you take forward in your life's story.
The first example I had noticed for some time was my ability to watch sci-fi and fantasy. I previously preferred what was 'real' and what I could relate to. Sci-fi and fantasy seemed 'too out there'. Since what happened to me was so utterly bizarre and 'out there', it seemed impossible for many people to grasp the concept. I had professionals questioning me about my experiences after they personally witnessed the same, and I would only say that I had been reporting my concerns for years just to be ignored. It was refreshing to finally be acknowledged and that I was not going crazy. I developed a psychological flexibility of thinking there is more than you can see. I trusted myself more and found myself being able to watch Marvel films with a new interest!
Another situation happened when I dropped my phone in the river. I could see it happening before the event and could have prevented it, and my hand wafted the phone away further as I reached in to collect it. I was slightly gutted but relieved at the thought of not being tied to my phone, which reflected how much I relied on my mobile. However, a sad and challenging feeling followed as I remembered that my view towards material things changed because of how my ex behaved towards me. He used our young children to move many things he did not want to my office on our separation, including half-full bottles from the kitchen. Without warning, he dumped further items of what he had chosen on the driveway of the family home. I lost many of my items but was also left to sort out all the half-broken items he did not want that day. Material items have never taken the same place in my mind or heart since, and I was reminded of this the days after my phone sank. It was bittersweet having that memory come back; how far I have come and how the new perspective came about.
The last situation is the opinions of others. My ex, even when married (although I only found out about this on leaving), conducted a smear campaign to separate me from others. My ex made it difficult for me to have friends or any sustainable connections. His most sustained effort was with my own mother and best friend. I realise now that these types of people will work on those closest to you. Since leaving, he has focused the campaign on the children (and sometimes professionals) to try and dissuade them against me. I do not hold this against the children most of all, it is a case of 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'. One particular day I was signposted three times, by three very different people, to read a book called 'Let Them' by Mel Robbins. She talks about letting them have opposing opinions, as you cannot change them. In fact, despite all my efforts in 20 years, I have had zero success. Yet I have survived. Those who know me will respect me. So, will some people not like me in my life? Likely. What does this mean when I have survived someone like my ex? Who mounted almost 20 years of a campaign against me? I must not forget my resilience if I have managed to survive his ongoing smear campaign.
So, these are three, very different areas where I have noticed growth. I am still growing. I am still recovering. I probably would be happier to say that post-traumatic growth is more relevant to me now, than any other time in the journey.
